Another gem from the remains of closet cleaning...

Ok, this was an entry in a journal that I found while cleaning a closet upstairs. I had an old suitcase up there and this journal was in it. I started reading and thought to myself, "there is no way I can NOT put this story on my blog." It is a classic Esprit story and I would like to dedicate this blog to Tabitha.

July 14, 2004

Well yesterday could go down as one of the most interesting days of my life...We got 9 miles from the church where we were to preform and our bus broke down. The equipment bus went on into town, unloaded and then came back to get the rest of us. We ate supper and I did the housing. Some lady named, Mary (I shall leave the last names out of this so as not to get sued) requested Tabitha and me so that is where I put us and that is when the adventure began. We got to her car and she had 6 HUGE salad bowls (full of salad) in the back seat. So we put those on our laps, get in and she drives away. She has a friend with her. They start talking about something that started Tabitha and I laughing and it was over after that. We go about 5 blocks and Mary almost yells "I forgot to tell them at the bowling alley!" Whips the car into a lot, turns back out in the street and heads back. I can't breathe I'm laughing so hard and Tabitha is making moaning sounds trying not to burst out laughing. We pull up to the bowling alley, Mary rolls down her window and YELLS, "I'll be back to get you." and two kids go back into the building. So she yells louder. "Don't hurry, I have to take these (indicating Tab and me with the jerk of her thumb) back to the house, then I'll come get you." So we wait for them to come back out. The girl whines,  "Oh, it's full" and something else and must have cussed at Mary. Mary yells "You just wait, I'll come back!" The boy yells as we're driving away "Well, Hurry up!" Oh my word by this time I am unable to breathe and I am sure if I don't laugh out loud I will explode. Jean, the friend, says, "I wouldn't let her talk to me that way." and Mary says, "I don't!" Jean says, "You tell her not to talk that way around the nice girls!" (who are almost rolling on the floor of the car with laughter) So they begin a conversation bout these kids. All of a sudden Mary says, "It's why I've had the sheriff out 5 times to get rid of her. She don't pay nothing, she's making those 900 calls and running up the phone bills." Which began a conversation between them about crank calls, then telemarketers and that caused us even more pain from lack of released laughter. All of a sudden Jean turns around, points to her head and says, "I've had an aneurysm." and proceeded to tell us about that and getting through surgery and while she was in the coma God held her in his arms and she knew she was going to live. Believe me, if I wrote it all it would take pages. Not to be out done, Mary tells a story. Now, what you must realize is that all the while we are racing along in the pitch black (back woods of a small Missouri town still holding six large salads on our laps) going down roads named "Roller Coaster Road" and "Dead Man's Curve" (I am not lying) at 55 mph with no seat belts on and the warning for no seat belts is dinging the entire time! I am literally in hysterics by this time I am laughing so hard I am crying, Tabitha is leaning on the window with her hand over her mouth trying to contain the hysterics (Jean could see her) So a half an hour later we arrive at Jean's, drop her off and go back up "Roller Coaster Road" to Mary's. We went down into a desolate valley off the beaten path and pull up to a burnt out trailer house with an abandoned car, junk all over and a dog is barking at the top of it's lungs. My laughter is turning quickly to horror and Tabitha's eyes are HUGE. Well, we drive behind that and there's a house. "Whew" ... Short lived. We picked our way through the junk up the stairs and into the house. We had all our own luggage and we were carrying the 6 salads that Mary told us to bring in. Mary says, "Make yourselves at home, I have to go get them two at the bowling alley." So we are alone for an hour to contemplate our circumstances. We laughed, talked and waited. (and wondered what we had gotten ourselves into) Then they come home. Mary, her grandson (who really isn't her grandson she just raised him) and his pregnant girlfriend. She went downstairs and we never met her. He comes into the living room, giving us a lecture on not watching the TV. What were we thinking he had cleaned the room all up, why weren't we using it... on and on. I said that we were talking and using it that way, etc. He grumbles some more. Tells us about his life and asks our names. We tell him, he says, "THANKS a lot for reminding me of my old girlfriend named Tabitha, TABITHA!" Then he goes on to tell us about his current girlfriend who is "sorta pregnant". Wow, we were getting an earful. He broke up with Tabitha because she was mean in a nice way. (WHAT?) Anyway Mary says, "When do you want to go to bed?" I said, "Right now." He (we never learned his name) stomps downstairs. Oh, I forgot about his dog. He says he is really well trained and the dog the entire time is spazzing out trying to get to us. So we change in the bathroom ( we are sleeping on the hide-a-bed in the living room) and go to bed. It's at least midnight. We talk for awhile and hear someone start to cry really loud. This goes on for 10-15 minutes. Mary gets up, goes downstairs and starts a yelling match with the girl. I said to Tabitha "If they call the sheriff, I'm getting a ride back to town with him." We die laughing. Everything settles down. I fell asleep but Tabitha can't sleep. Then she feels someone staring at us. She looks over, it is the boy watching us sleep. (CREEPY) Then he starts to go downstairs and stops on the landing to stare some more. Tabitha jumps up a little. He says he is just turning the air-conditioning down. Then he went into the kitchen and made pancakes and set off an alarm. I woke up at 5 a.m., went down, took a shower and saw that the kid had a stack of porno magazines in the bathroom. Gross. So I go up and read for awhile (not the boy's magazines!! That sounded like what I did so I had to edit here!)then Mary wakes up and Tabitha got up to take a shower. Mary makes some coffee. It was extremely strong. The kid comes upstairs and he is just wearing a little short blue bathrobe that is open at the chest to his navel. OK, I have reached my limit at this point. He asks if I want some cereal for breakfast. I say, "No, thanks." He goes off about how he offered me cereal and I won't even accept it. Wow, anger management classes would be good about now. We ate some toast and at 7:40 I said we needed to leave. Which was a tad early but I sensed that Mary had told me her entire life story and had run out of things to say. So she dropped us off at the place where we were to meet everyone else. Our, day unfortunately, did not get that much better. We were drug around by an elderly gentleman who loved to talk and tell us all about all he had done and how great he was and well, I think by the time that day was over I just needed to curl up in a corner and cry. But I had a bus ride to unwind.

I laugh so hard when I read this. It was hilarious and horrifying all at the same time.